This morning has already been full of ups and downs. I received another rejection from a literary agent I had contacted regarding Middle Ground, the Christian romance. Rejection is to be expected, of course. I received more than 70 rejections for the Abigail Phelps books. Of course, there is no great success story to come from that, so perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that! But you do hear of endless authors who received quite a few rejections before going on to great success. So, okay…fine. But with Middle Ground I feel like my expectations are different. For one thing, the very first agent I queried offered me a contract. Just like that. And I ended up walking away without signing because it just wasn’t the right fit. The next two I queried showed a lot of interest before eventually rejecting me. That was a pretty good start, and I had high hopes. But since then? Nothing but rejection.
I still haven’t received near the number of rejections I received with Abigail. I’m only up to six. Just about any author would tell you six is nothing. Six is just your warm-up. I know all of that. I can handle the rejections. God has a plan, and the six agents obviously weren’t a part of it. Okay. But I can’t help but feel disappointed. I know that there is no guarantee that God will reveal his plan to me quickly, and there is a possibility, of course, that it won’t even be revealed to me in this life. I don’t know. But I hope. Each day I wake up hoping that maybe today will be the day. Maybe all of the hard work will pay off, or at least begin to. Maybe. I can accept the rejection, and I can know that God is still in control, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed.
But then Noah was talking to me about how glad he is that I’m home all the time now. Well, that was a nice little reassurance.
And then I had to pay the bills. I felt encouragement that I was able to pay everything which is due before my husband get paid again, even if we were only left with a tiny bit of spending money. And of course by “spending money” I don’t mean money with which to have frivolous fun. Nope – that amount of money which previously would have been less than my husband and I would spend on a date night now needs to get us our groceries, an oil change, gasoline, and new shoes for the boys. But I’m okay with that. I really am. I know that aspect of it all will be okay. What causes worry is knowing roughly how much money we’ll have coming in the next time around, and knowing that it’s not enough to pay the mortgage payment and the rest of the bills which will be due. God will provide. God will provide. God will provide.
I still – more and more all the time, actually – believe God is telling me to stay home and not get a job. He is telling us to depend on Him for our daily needs, and I know that means that sometimes our needs may not be met until the time comes. So I know that I may not understand how we are going to pay the bills, I just have to trust that if we are following His will for our lives, and striving each day to honor Him, He will provide. He does not set us up to fail. He could have told me to get a job. He could have, but he didn’t. He hasn’t. He isn’t. And He does not set us up to fail when we are striving, with our whole hearts, to honor Him.
Some days, though, I would just love a win. Some days feel powerfully positive, and others are a little darker. The challenge, for me, is to not give in to the darkness. I have to keep knowing what I know, and believing what I believe. I have to keep listening, and I have to keep moving forward. These are all things I know.
But some days I would just love a win.