Remember my post from yesterday? I was talking about how fun writing is, and I was delighting in the fact that I actually had a few moments to write, not just blog. At the point (I think it was about 9:00 am), I was incredibly optimistic about the day. Then the day really began.
We received a couple of overdraft notices in the mail from the bank, which didn’t make sense. I mean, I knew we were tight, but I had paid all of the bills which are due prior to the next payday, and we had enough left over for a tank of gas and a few groceries. I though.t Well, actually, yes…we did. But I wrote down a transfer from one account to the other – I just apparently forgot to actually do the transfer. So, we had the money, but it was sitting in the wrong account. At the same bank, mind you. We got it straightened out, but by the time the overdraft fees are deducted…yeah. There went the cushion. And I just felt like an idiot. Yes, it was a mistake and it could happen to anyone, but it happened to me. And I know that my standards for myself are often far too high, but in a case like that, I literally can’t afford to make a mistake. So I beat myself up pretty hard about that.
And then my whole attitude kind of turned downward. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of the internal battle going on in my mind, all the time. I’m tired of always knowing how truly grateful I should be, and feeling guilty when I am having a difficult time being grateful. I’m just tired.
And then once the negativity begins, I can’t seem to stop it.
What if nothing comes of this publishing opportunity for Middle Ground? I asked Kelly that question, and of course he answered it perfectly. “Well then, we’ll look forward to seeing what God has in store.” (He said it better than that, but I can’t remember the exact wording.) Yes. YES! I know that, I believe that, and I sincerely trust in that. I do. But if this isn’t it, do I have it in me to wait around for the next thing? I just don’t know. I’d like to think so. I hope so. But I just don’t know. It feels like I’ve got all of my eggs in one basket right now, but not as a result of bad planning, I don’t think. I’ve got all my eggs in one basket because I truly believe it’s the basket God gave me. But no matter how certain I am that God gave me the basket, I have no guarantee that it isn’t just a basket to get me through until the real basket comes along.
I have no guarantee that I won’t drop the basket.
I’ve faced rejection…so many times. Like I’ve said before, my first novel was rejected 74 times. Middle Ground hasn’t been rejected nearly as many times, but only because I haven’t given it the chance to be. Obviously, I can handle rejection. I’ve proven that. But I’ve never made it this far. I’ve never come this close. I’ve never felt God directing my steps as clearly as I did to get to this point with this book.
And July 2nd could be the end of this leg of the journey. And if it’s not, July 8th could be. And maybe it won’t be the end, but I have to be honest…I can’t grasp the possibility of this actually happening. I just…can’t. I don’t know what that feels like. But rejection? I am very familiar with that feeling. Having said that, if this ends in rejection, I just know it will be unlike anything I have ever felt before. No matter how certain I am that God is still at work, I will be heartbroken. I can’t bring myself to actually expect this to end well, but I so desperately want it to. But because I can’t bring myself to actually expect this to end well, I instead prepare myself for rejection.
I’m tired of preparing myself for rejection, but I can’t grasp any other options right now, no matter how much I would like to. Because as heartbroken as I will be if the answer is “No” on July 2nd or 8th…I know that heartbreak will be nothing compared to what it will feel like if I expect acceptance.
I can’t tell you how much I desperately want a break from myself some days.