Day 243 – March 31, 2015

Right now, I don’t think I could get anyone to leave a review on Amazon even if I begged them. Actually, I know for a fact that I couldn’t. I’ve tried! It’s unethical to pay people, of course – not that I could afford to. Because I’m not selling any books. Probably because I don’t have many reviews. So…back to my original problem.

No biggie. It is what it is. So be it. It’s all good.

All of that.

Also…sad face.

But it really is fine.

Also…sad face.

Day 242 – March 30, 2015

I think I’ve mentioned before that I love being a part of important cultural events. Well, maybe not important. Things like watching the series finale of a beloved television show, or going to a blockbuster film premiere at midnight. Even if I’ve never watched a show before, I will watch the finale, or a very special episode (circa 1992). If all the world is watching, I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening. And in the cases where I love something before it becomes a sensation, and then it takes off, that’s okay with me. That just means it will receive more attention and stick around longer.

My husband is the exact opposite on all of that. If all the world is watching something, he will intentionally rebel against it – even if he’s actually somewhat interested. And in the event that something he has always loved becomes a sensation, he either loses interest or gets mad at the world and insists that because the world didn’t love it originally, they aren’t allowed to love it now.

My friends pulled me in to the world of The Walking Dead. It’s not my normal type of thing, but they finally convinced me to give it a chance, and now I’m hooked. And I wanted to share it with my husband, but I know him well enough to know that there is no chance that he will give any attention to the hottest show on television, mainly because it’s the hottest show on television. It’s really not his type of show in general, so I know there is some legitimate disinterest there, which is only multiplied by its success and my affection for it.

Tonight he spent twenty minutes debating with me, insisting that the walkers (zombies) of The Walking Dead wouldn’t really be a threat. Fighting a herd of walkers would be just like fighting a herd of turtles, he insisted. Or a herd of Rainbow Brites. He actually said that. And, in his opinion, do you know why the people on The Walking Dead don’t always do well against the walkers? Because no one has puffed themselves up like a puffer fish to intimidate the walkers.

I know he’s just antagonizing me, and deliberately going in the opposite direction of the bandwagon, but all the same…if the zombie apocalypse actually does happen, he better thank his lucky stars that I’ll be here to save him.

Day 241 – March 29, 2015

I’ve had this thought on my mind for a while, and I don’t know why, so I’m going to blog it out and see if it leads anywhere. It really is just a single line of thought, but I keep coming back to it.

We’re supposed to treat each other the way we want to be treated, but what if we treated each other the way we want people to think we treat each other?

How would that be different? Would it be different?

Do you know what I mean? Let me put it another way. What if we truly became the people we want people to think we are? If I want to be perceived as a kind and generous person, what if I actually became a kind and generous person, rather than just putting in the work to make sure I am perceived that way?

There is so much fake out there. People say that they don’t care what others think of them, but they do. We all do. To some extent. And we care because we want to be perceived a certain way. In some cases, people want to be perceived as rich or smart or important, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. Kind. Generous. Hospitable. Willing to help. Loyal. What if instead of doing what is necessary to make sure we are perceived that way, we start doing what is necessary to actually be that way?

This is based on nothing. Just thoughts.

Day 240 – March 28, 2015

I’m not a huge fan of the outdoors. I don’t handle heat well, a little bit of sun burns me like a vampire in some non-Twilight, non-sparkly vampire tale, and bugs drive me crazy. Also, I have a pretty major fear of birds. I’m a city girl through and through, but I now live in a part of the country where people hike, ski, snowboard, and bike more than they shop, go to movies, or tour museums. To some extent I have tried to adapt, but I also just am who I am.

However, no matter how much I prefer the indoors, I really don’t want that to be the case with my boys. They are Coloradoans. They love this part of the world, and I want them to truly enjoy it. So I’ve forced myself to go along on occasional hikes. Thankfully, Kelly loves the outdoors, so he certainly picks up my slack. Hiking I can do. We are blessed to have easy access to many national parks and some of them I actually enjoy. Still…I’d rather be in, out of the sun.

This year, I am determined to spend more time outside with them. I’m sure we’ll go hiking, and probably do some swimming. We can ride bikes. And we play a fair amount of basketball – something I actually love and do fairly well. Sure…I’ll do all of that occasionally. But finally I found something new we can all do outdoors together as a family which we all enjoy. I don’t have to go far from home, it’s good exercise, and I get to bring my own special flair for the dramatic to it all.

We all bought Nerf guns. (Mine, incidentally, is a “zombie gun” loosely modeled on the one Rick Grimes has famously used on “The Walking Dead”.) Today, all four of us went to war in the front yard. Allegiances were formed, loyalties were betrayed, and strategies were perfected. It was an epic battle for the ages – and I finally found an outdoors activity I can really get behind.

Day 239 – March 27, 2015

Every March, I pity anyone in my life, or my husband’s, who doesn’t partake of the Madness. Because we do. Most passionately. Have I mentioned that? Tee hee.

Today, Kelly said, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend.”

“Except,” I added, “when your enemy’s enemy is your enemy.”

Tonight Kelly’s beloved Utah Utes are playing the Duke Blue Devils — the mortal enemies of my beloved Kentucky Wildcats. Normally Kelly plays the role of Duke’s #1 fan, at least in part to antagonize the love of his life. (That’s me!) Tonight he’s seeing Duke in a different light. A light which is a little closer to the one in which I always see Duke.

And what am I doing? Being supportive. Go Utah! Boo Duke! Because I’m a loving wife? Sure. But also…my enemy’s enemy is my friend.

Day 238 – March 26, 2015

I’m tired. Not only that, Kentucky is playing in the Sweet 16. Right now. In other words…I couldn’t care less about blogging right now. My heart just isn’t in it tonight, but I know I should do it anyway. So I will! I must! Although…you deserve better. You truly do. You deserve better than a halfhearted, perfunctory entry, designed only to fulfill an obligation. So I won’t go any further tonight. I will refrain.

For you.

Day 237 – March 25, 2015

My family, friends, and co-workers (who are also friends) have made me feel pretty special over the past couple of weeks. I got awesome/sweet/funny texts and e-mails letting me know in various ways that they missed me, and then today I couldn’t help but feel the love as they welcomed me back. It was appreciated.

Even when we know we have true friends who value us, and even when we know that we do actually contribute in some small way to the lives of others, there are just times when it helps to know we are missed when we’re not around.
The thing is…I really am spoiled. I have these amazing people in my life who always make me feel appreciated and loved. Seriously, I am so blessed. I always know that, but today I’m feeling it even more strongly than I usually do.

Day 236 – March 24, 2015

Apart from missing them and wishing they were here with me, I honestly haven’t discovered many drawbacks to traveling without Kelly and the boys. Again — I miss them. But the airports sure were easier to navigate. The trip was less expensive. I got to have a lot of uninterrupted adult conversation. Things like that.

I’ve never really had a problem with traveling alone. Kelly and I are both pretty independent types. We’ve travelled a lot — independently, together, and with kids — so I know how to manage.

But I just realized something. Since Ethan was a little boy, I haven’t really been allowed to focus on my sadness when leaving Kentucky. I always feel sad leaving, but my focus has to be on helping my kids not feel too sad. They are always sad to leave, so I have to be a positive force in their lives — reminding them of all we are going home to, and encouraging them to be thankful for the time we had on our trip.

Today I have to do that for myself — a definite drawback to traveling alone.

Day 235 – March 23, 2015

I wrote about this previously, but it feels worthy of mentioning again. There was a time when I would have been devastated at the thought of going home tomorrow. As it is, I’m sad. I have really had an amazing time and I really don’t want it to be over yet. But I am so ready to see Kelly and the boys. I am excited to get back to the office. I am missing my friends like crazy.

When Kelly and I got married, we made a deal. We would start out in Colorado, where he grew up and was already invested in a career, but soon we would move to Kentucky. We would be on the lookout, and we would spend at least three years living in Kentucky. That was our deal. So I didn’t unpack. I didn’t see the point. Cortez was a short-term stop, I knew. But life happened, and we needed to stay in Cortez a bit longer. Well, okay…I would at least get to fly home a couple of times a year. I could live with that. For a while. Before too long, I was pregnant, and then before too long we had a family and tons of bills and we were both working demanding jobs. Kelly stopped looking for jobs in Kentucky and I went through a period of time during which I struggled with a lot of resentment. I had given up everything for him, and I felt as if he had given up nothing.

Kelly and I have talked about all of this a million times, so it’s not as if he is going to learn from my blog that I was feeling this way.

But things are different now. Despite the fact that it was obvious that God wanted us in Colorado – for a million different reasons, it seemed – I never wanted to be there. Not for a long time. I mean, I made the most of it. I made friends, I became active in the community, I got involved. But I didn’t want to be there.

I love Kentucky. I love the southern charm and green grass and the sweet tea, and I love being back in a big city. I love spending time with my parents and my sister. I love being able to visit my grandmother. But I do miss Colorado. I miss the mountains and the dry air, and I miss only having to leave five minutes early to get anywhere in town on time. I miss my family and I miss my friends. My parents’ church is fantastic and I have genuinely enjoyed being able to attend for a couple of weeks, but I miss my home church. I love all of the fattening food I have been eating, and I don’t regret any of it, but I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could meet up with my girls at REFIT after eating all of that.

I want it all, but there is just no way for that to happen. So I’m just working as hard as I can to cherish every moment while I’m here, and then I’m going to do my best to cherish every moment when I get home.

Day 234 – March 22, 2015

Today I began the monumental task of packing to go home. I don’t leave until Tuesday, but I thought I should begin since, as always, I am going home with much more than accompanied me on the trip here. I’m sad to think about leaving, but also increasingly anxious to see Kelly and the kids. I’m excited to see the dog and cat, and can hardly wait to get back to work. And I’m missing my friends like crazy.

Despite all of that…

Nope. Can’t dwell on that yet. Not until Tuesday.